The topic of Respect…

The topic of Respect…

I am happy to share this information with my readers.  This is not my own writing, but I think it is well thought out, informative, and eye opening.  As you may know many of my posts/blogs or writings are based in my Christian faith and/or usually have some relevance in my own life.  I came across this web site on a search about “respect” and as I read through it my eyes were the window to affirming my own thoughts about people and respect.  It was one of those “yea, that makes perfect sense” moments.  Steve Hein is the original publisher/writer of what you are about to read.  I did contact Steve and through his grace and support he is allowing me to repost or share his writing with you subject to the understanding that he does not share in my beliefs but is an atheist.  I do hope to learn more about Steve and I look forward to growing our friendship.  More can be read on Steve’s web page http://www.eqi.org/respect.htm as this is just a partial read of his writing.

Getting right into his writing….

Those in positions of authority often expect and try to demand that those beneath them show ‘respect.’ But if they have not first earned respect by showing it (which is done by respecting the other person’s feelings and needs), they may find that their power is actually based on fear. Once a person no longer fears such an authority figure, then the authority figure’s power base quickly disappears out from under them, often leaving them feeling frustrated, powerless, confused and resentful.

Here are some comparisons between fear and respect:

• Fear is toxic.
• Respect is nurturing.
• Fear destroys self-confidence. Respect builds it.
• Fear is life-threatening. Respect is life-enhancing.
• Fear is forced. Respect is earned.
• Fear is learned. Respect is earned.

To confuse the two creates serious problems for society.
Respect and Parenting- Consequences for later in life

When we do not feel respected by our parents while we are living with them, we have an unmet need to feel respected later in life. This is such an obvious statement, yet it needs to be said. It is one of the clearest examples of what happens when our emotional needs are not filled in the right amounts at the right time by our parents. People who did not feel respected by their parents tend to take things personally later in life. They may make a big “scene” over something which to other people would seem small. They do this because they are in pain from the lack of respect which they are still feeling, one which originated many years earlier, but likely was not allowed to be expressed.

They may demand to be respected by their employees, their children, their students and the sales clerks in the supermarket. They may seek positions of power where they have authority over others as a way of trying to fill their unmet need for respect. But when they are in positions of authority it is easy for them to confuse respect and fear. When they are feared, they are not respected. When they try to use authority and fear as a substitute they find that they still feel unfulfilled since you can never get enough of a substitute.

On the other hand, another consequence might be that they have such low self-esteems that they never feel worthy of respect. In this case they will let people take advantage of them, abuse them and manipulate them.

2. Respect, Fear and Emotional Falseness

Father: If you ever come home late again, you are never going to use the car again.

Son: Ok. Ok.

Father: Don’t talk to me like that!

How does the father feel when he is saying “Don’t talk to me like that”?

Most likely he is feeling disrespected. But why doesn’t the son feel respect for the father at this moment? Possibly because the father is threatening the son.

Threatening someone does not earn their respect. A threat is used to create fear, not respect. So it is natural for the son to feel disrespectful.

The father creates even more fear by ordering his son not to talk to him “like that”. By giving this command, the father is also encouraging emotional falseness. He wants the son to talk to him in a respectful tone, but the son does not respect for the father at that moment.

In this brief exchange of words, the father has succeeded only in creating more fear and falseness, not more respect.

3. Slapping, Fear and Respect

One day I talked to a couple from Ireland who had two adolescent age daughters. I said, “Since you are parents, I have a question for you about raising children. I just got this email from a friend of mine who is 18. She said her mother slapped her last week because she “talked back” to her. She asked me what gives her mother the right to do this. She said that if she didn’t like what someone at a store said, she would not be able to reach out and slap the sales clerk. She said that would be illegal. What do you think about this? Do you think it is ever necessary to slap a teenage girl? Do you know if it is legal to slap your daughter in Ireland?”

The mother answered by saying, “Well, you need to be able to correct your children. So yes, I’d say it is legal.”

I then said, “I agree that parents need to be able to correct their children, but it seems to me that 18 is a bit old to still be slapping your child. What do you think?”

She said, “Well, yes, I suppose it is. If you haven’t been able to teach your child respect by that age then there is probably something wrong.”

So I am wondering now… If a mother slaps her daughter to “correct” her is she teaching respect… or fear?

Steve Hein is the source from his web site. http://www.eqi.org/respect.htm. May 16, 2014.